Do actions matter more than words or words more than actions? People have two ways to tell us what they are thinking and what they value: actions and words. Both are critically important, but when actions and words don’t match, which do you pay attention to? In dysfunctional relationships, we often get confused when actions and words don’t match, and we tend to believe the words and ignore the actions. We should do the opposite.

It is easy for people to say what we want to hear in order to pacify us so we will go away, leave them alone, keep doing what we are doing, and allow them to keep doing what they are doing. Words don’t have to be truthful. When we don’t realize that someone might be purposefully misleading us, we set ourselves up to be disappointed and fooled.

When we are desperate for someone to change or to stop doing what they are doing, we look for some sign that things are getting better. We look at what people say, and then what they do, but we sometimes forget to look at what they don’t do. The truth is that “inaction” communicates a great deal. Inaction is an action; it just isn’t the action we want. When someone doesn’t do something we ask, they are communicating that they won’t do it because it isn’t important to them. They are saying no—even if they are telling us yes.

People often come to me confused over a loved one’s behavior. They will tell me that the spouse agrees to work on the marriage, but doesn’t do anything to work on it. They tell me the loved one wants to get help, but doesn’t make an appointment. They tell me that the agreement was to look for a job, but there haven’t been any job applications filled out. These are all examples of words that don’t match actions. In these cases, the “action” or “inaction” is what they need to pay attention to instead of the words, but most of the time they are hanging onto the words and ignoring the action or inaction.

Listen to what people tell you, but watch their actions to see what is really in their hearts. You will be able to make decisions based on truth rather than untruths and stand on firmer ground in your relationships. Actions do matter more than words.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me see what people are communicating to me by their words, actions, and inactions. Help me to use wisdom in discerning what the real message is when words and actions don’t match.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Look at the words, actions, and inactions of people in your life. Ask yourself if the words and actions match. If they don’t, use wisdom to discern what the real message is.
• Do your words match your actions?

Scripture Meditation

 
Proverbs 27:12
“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it” (NIV).

Ephesians 5:6a
“Let no one deceive you with empty words” (NIV).