We each respond with one of many coping styles when life gets difficult and we feel overwhelmed. This is our natural way of dealing with things that is a combination of our inborn personalities and life experiences. Some of these include the survival skills we have learned in our dysfunctional families. Some people use a combination of them.

Here are the basic coping styles that describe how people respond to life’s stresses:

Rager – Ragers respond to anything and everything stressful by getting angry and then raging and yelling. It seems that everything is a “big deal” to this person who is most comfortable being angry.

Runner – Runners use an addiction or activity to avoid feeling and dealing with what is going on. They also use activity to handle the anxiety and stress, because they can’t sit quietly with it.

Denier – Deniers refuse to admit that there is a problem, so they don’t deal with it at all. They won’t talk about it or process it. They may act as if it didn’t happen or just refuse to give it any serious consideration.

Pessimist – Pessimists gets depressed and negative about the situation and are convinced it will turn out badly. Their primary emotion is hopelessness. They easily transition from depression to despair with big problems.

Victim – Victims feel victimized by the problem and believe they are being deliberately punished by God or other people. “Life” is out to get them and everything bad happens only to them. Their main emotion is self-pity. They ask, “Why me—again?” They appear helpless and powerless.

Fixer – Fixers have a plan for how to fix the problem that includes what everyone else should do. This person often needs to talk a lot about what is going on in an attempt to persuade others and to formulate “the plan.” They need action to feel like they are doing “something.”

Worrier – Worriers feel a great deal of fear and anxiety and obsess on everything that could go wrong. As a result, they worry and project doom and gloom. The worry keeps them paralyzed and unable to deal constructively with the problem.

Optimizer – Optimizers accept that the problem exists but have an overly optimistic forecast for the outcome and won’t acknowledge that anything bad could actually happen.

Blamer – Blamers blame someone or something for everything that happens. It could be a spouse, a child, a parent, God, a stranger, a co-worker, a sibling, a friend, the government, fate—anyone or anything except himself or herself.

Withdrawer – Withdrawers instantly withdraw from the stress and problem. They don’t want to talk about it and prefer to process things quietly alone. It looks like nothing is going on, but it is—just not in a way that you can prove.

Coping styles allow us to process difficulties in life that overwhelm us. As you can see, the negative aspect is that they don’t allow us to deal with the problem in a well-rounded and healthy way. They also cause conflict and misunderstanding in our relationships because people deal with things by using different ones. And as a result, they feel unsupported by others.

It is important to identify your style so you can adjust your response to make it more well-rounded and healthy. It is also important to recognize the styles of people close to you so you can understand their response and not take it personal.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me have insight into myself so I can grow and mature through the difficulties of life. Help me understand the people around me so I can accept them for who they are.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Identify your coping style and make a plan of how to turn that style into healthier coping.
• Identify the coping style of the people in your primary relationships. Use this information to recognize when the people in your life are overwhelmed.

Scripture Meditation

 
Proverbs 21:2

“All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart” (NIV).

We have a natural way of responding, but we need to look at it to recognize whether or not it is the best way.

Proverbs 14:1

“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” (NIV).

Paraphrased: Wise people build their houses, but the foolish ones tear them down by their own actions, without even recognizing it.