Rhonda relayed the following story to me: “I am so upset. My friend and I have been close for twenty years. I thought we had a good relationship. I told her I was really hurt that she didn’t come to my son’s wedding. She got angry and turned it against me. She said I should know that she cares but that she shouldn’t have to come to prove it. She said it just didn’t work for her and she couldn’t believe I didn’t understand. This doesn’t make sense to me. If she cares about me and my kids, she should have prioritized it and she should at least understand why I am upset. But to get mad at me to where she won’t return my calls?”

I asked Rhonda the following question: How does your friend handle problems with other people? Is she reactive and defensive? Or is she calm and able to work through them? I wasn’t surprised to hear the answer: her friend is reactive, defensive, strong, and opinionated. Rhonda hadn’t brought up any conflicts with her before. She usually just went along with what her friend wanted.

Before you confront someone, consider who they are, the likely outcome of the conversation, and count the cost. When you count the cost you make an informed decision. People react based on their personalities and their histories. You know their personalities and you know how they have reacted to you and others in the past. It is easy to predict:

• An angry person will get angry.
• A defensive person will be defensive.
• An irresponsible person will not take responsibility.
• A sensitive person will get hurt.
• A manipulative person will turn the problem back onto you.
• A victim will act victimized.
• A healthy person will objectively listen to your concerns and work toward understanding and resolution.

Before you speak your truth, count the cost by predicting how the person will respond and then decide if it is worth confronting. Sometimes you will need to speak your truth; other times, it is better to protect yourself from useless stress and turmoil especially when the person won’t hear you anyway. It is up to you: count your cost and make your decision.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me use wisdom in deciding when to confront and when to stay silent. Help me count the cost to protect myself from needless strife and turmoil.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Before you confront, ask yourself what the person usually does when confronted.
• Ask yourself if you are willing to pay that price in return for sharing your truth.

Scripture Meditation

 
Proverbs 9:7-9

“Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse. Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.” (NIV)

Proverbs 13:16a

“Every prudent man acts out of knowledge.” (NIV)