The conversation went like this: “I was hoping she would want to go to school. I was hoping I could get her to want healthy things. I was hoping by bringing good things into her life that she would want better things for herself. I was hoping she would go to counseling for help with her depression. I was thinking there might be a chance for me to talk to her and convince her to make some changes. I was…….” I stopped my friend with the following observation: “Did you hear how many times you said ‘I’?” The problem is that my friend wants something her daughter doesn’t want. No matter how much we love people, we can’t make them want what they don’t want.

Each person ultimately gets to choose his/her own path in life—even if that path doesn’t seem to be wise or the one we would choose. It doesn’t mean that we can’t see a better way or that what we want is wrong. It doesn’t mean that the changes we desire aren’t good for the person, ourselves, and the relationship. What it does mean is that we can’t force our will onto someone else. When we are trying harder than other people to get them to be responsible, to care about themselves or the relationship, to address problems, to get help, or anything else we want then we have to recognize that we are overly involved and invested in forcing a solution onto someone else.

The answer is to let go while caring. You can be committed to the person and the relationship but not hold so tightly to a particular outcome. When you find yourself wanting to force a solution, ask yourself why. Is it because:

• You struggle with over control of everyone and everything?
• You arrogantly believe you have the answers and know what is best?
• You don’t trust God with your loved one?
• You believe it is your responsibility to figure out how to solve the problem?
• You are afraid of what could happen if you don’t fix it?
• You can’t handle watching your loved one suffer?

I identify with my friend. I too think I have the answers, battle with over control, feel responsible, struggle with trusting God, succumb to fear, and find it painful to watch my loved ones suffer. These things all lead to me pushing my loved ones too hard.

Detaching with love reminds us that people have the right and responsibility to live their lives in the way they choose. We need to give them the dignity to live their lives by making their own choices even if that means they make mistakes in the process.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me give my loved ones the dignity to live their own lives and make their own choices. Give me insight into why I want to force solutions. Help me detach with love by letting go.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Think of a problem in someone’s life that you want solved.
• Identify the things you are doing to force a solution.
• Ask yourself why you are trying so hard.
• Decide to let go by detaching in love.

Scripture Meditation

 
Matthew 19:16-24

Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?” “Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments.” “Which ones?” the man inquired. Jesus replied, “‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.'” “All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?” Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” (NIV)

A rich young ruler came to Jesus asking how to obtain eternal life. Jesus told him to sell his possessions and follow him. The man decided not to take Jesus’ advice and left sad. Jesus didn’t run after him, beg him, offer a better deal, force him, or argue with him. He just let him go, recognizing that the man had the right to make his own choice even about something as critically important as his eternal destiny.