I found myself irritated, upset, and focusing on every little thing that was out of place in the house. I was picking on my family and trying to control their every action. My actions didn’t feel like they matched my emotions.

My friend was angry with her daughter while at the same time worried that the breakup of her daughter’s relationship might be too much for her daughter to handle. She felt guilty for her anger.

Another friend found himself harshly judging his sister and her husband for how they lived their life, spent their money, and raised their kids. He was uncomfortable with his judgment of them and didn’t understand why it had surfaced so strongly in the past year.

In each of these situations, the behavior is hard to understand unless you go beneath the surface and get to the real cause. When you can’t figure out why you are acting a certain way, you have to dig deeper. Ask yourself what the root of the problem is. Are you afraid, angry, guilty, jealous, or worried? Or are you feeling ignored, rejected, misunderstood, overlooked, underappreciated, mistreated, or frustrated? Has someone violated your boundary? Or are you just tired and overwhelmed?

In my case, I was feeling upset with my daughter because she had friends over all the time and I wasn’t able to talk with her when I needed to. I was struggling with my own boundary issues, yet I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I was also upset with my husband because I felt like he wasn’t prioritizing our relationship. I was focusing on the fact that the house was messy but that wasn’t what I was really upset about.

In my friend’s case, she recognized that she had felt relieved that her daughter had met what seemed to be the perfect guy. During the past year, she had worried less about her daughter and had felt free to pursue her own interests. Now, along with her fear for her daughter’s well-being, she was also fearful that her daughter would now require more of her time and energy. She recognized that she was blaming her daughter for having some personal problems that appeared to contribute to the breakup. When she recognized that her irritation was related to her fears about how her life would change, she was less angry with her daughter.

And now my friend who was judging his sister and-brother-in-law: upon further questioning it came up that he was the primary caregiver of his mother and was feeling overwhelmed with the burden. His sister lived out of state and wasn’t able to help, which he understood, but he was jealous of her freedom from their mother’s care. He felt guilty about his mixed emotions toward his mother and her many demands and rather than deal with his uncomfortable feelings toward her, he was focusing on his sister and brother-in-law.

Getting to the root of the problem helps you take your focus off the behavior and onto the source. It gives you insight into what is really driving your behavior by looking at your feelings, impulses, thoughts, and motives.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me identify the root of my behavior. Give me insight into my feelings, impulses, thoughts, and motives. I desire to live and walk in truth.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Start asking yourself why you are behaving like you are in your relationships.

Scripture Meditation

 
John 8:12

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (NIV).

Proverbs 21:2

“All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart” (NIV).