Difficult relationships have an interesting dynamic: there is usually one person who wants change and one who doesn’t, or both people want change but focus on the other person changing. The reality is that you cannot force another person to change, and the harder you try, the more dysfunctional the relationship gets and the more out of control you feel in your own life. Yet if you care deeply about the person you desperately want to change, it feels hopeless to accept that there is nothing you can do.

The alternative to trying to force change is to influence for good. You need to act in a way that doesn’t do damage to you, the person, or the relationship, and spurs the person toward good choices. You do this by:

Conducting yourself in a way that builds the person up rather than tearing them down. This means that you confront lovingly without attacking. You treat the person with respect. If you treat someone with contempt, you are communicating that they deserve that treatment. Then why would they be compelled to want anything better for themselves?

Setting boundaries that are reasonable and give an incentive to choose good things. Boundaries can be so rigid that they are unworkable. You want to adjust your expectations, limits, and consequences to fit the unique circumstances, weaknesses, and strengths of the person you are dealing with. This means that you might tolerate more than you really want to, for at least a time, because the alternative would be too harsh and damaging. Or it could mean that you might choose to set boundaries that are uncomfortable for you because they are strict but that you know are in the best interest of the other person.

Not acting from a motive of revenge and punishment. When your motive is revenge and punishment, you will be reactive. Good decisions come from a place of self-control and thoughtfulness. Nothing constructive comes from getting even. Wait to make decisions until you have your emotions under control and you have clarity as to what you should do and why.

Loving the person and hating the sin. This is how God deals with you. He loves you unconditionally, but he recognizes that your sin is destructive. Because he has your long term eternal interest and your holiness in mind. he allows you to suffer the consequences of your actions even though it isn’t pleasant for you or for him. You can love while allowing the person to deal with their own responsibilities and problems. You can dislike the behavior but still be committed to the relationship, if you choose.

As you can see, influencing for good is very proactive. It isn’t just passively tolerating the other person’s inappropriate problems or condoning wrong anymore that it is forcing change. It is just choosing to treat the person in a way that is truly loving.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Give me wisdom and clarity in deciding how I can influence my loved ones for good and not for bad.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Figure out how you can influence for good in your difficult relationships.

Scripture Meditation

 
Galatians 5:15

“If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (NIV).

Lamentations 3:31-33

“For men are not cast off forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men” (NIV).

Hebrews 12:10

“God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness” (NIV).

Hebrews 10:24

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (NIV).