“It’s my fault. I should have done something different. I shouldn’t have done what I did. If I would have made a different choice, it wouldn’t have turned out this way.” Have you ever thought that way? I have. It is natural for me to look to myself first to figure out why an interaction with another person wasn’t good. It is also natural for me to feel responsible for both my actions and the other person’s.

I was working out at the gym and had one more exercise set to do on a particular machine. A woman came up and asked if she could work on the machine in between my sets, which is something people do to accommodate each other at the gym. I answered her with the truth: I only had one set left, which would take about one minute to do, and I was ready to do it right then. She reacted by walking away in a huff. I immediately felt bad. After all, she was visibly irritated with me and I don’t like people being mad at me. My first thought was to rehearse the interaction and figure out what I did that made it turn out the way it did. It took longer for me to realize there was another question that needed to be answered: What did she do and what could she have done differently?

This woman didn’t have a reason to get angry. If I only had one set left, I would be done in a minute and she would have the machine for as long as she wanted. Had I let her have the machine right away, I would be waiting for her to finish, which might have taken longer than a minute. She had another choice: she could have politely said, ok, and then waited. That’s what I would have done in her place. That is what other people have done when I have given them the same answer in the same situation. Yet she chose to get angry and walk away. The longer I thought about it, the more I realized she was the rude and childish one, not me.

I still see her at the gym and even though this was over a year ago, seeing her reminds me that it’s not all my fault. Other people are responsible for their choices, reactions, thoughts, and feelings. I don’t make them act a certain way and therefore, I am not responsible for their actions. I can’t control both sides of a relationship. I can only control mine. I also find it helpful to remind myself that whatever action people take is the one they chose and that they had other actions they could have chosen but didn’t. This reminds me that people do what they want to do for their own reasons, and it isn’t about me at all. Whether I express a want, feeling, boundary, or even an ultimatum, other people choose how to respond to me and are responsible for those choices.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me know that I am only responsible for doing what is right for me. Help me recognize that other people are responsible for their own choices and that I don’t make them act like they do.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

 
The next time you feel responsible for someone else’s actions:

• Look at yourself first to see if you actually did anything wrong.
• Look at the other person’s action and identify the other choices he/she had instead of the one that was chosen.
• Refuse to feel responsible for the choices the other person made.

Scripture Meditation

 
Philippians 2:4

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (NIV).

The balance includes looking at both people, not just you.

Matthew 7:5

“First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (NIV).

After looking at yourself to see what your part is or isn’t, you can look at the other person’s part.

James 1:14

“But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed” (NIV).

You don’t make people act the way they do. It comes from within them.