One of the most important questions we need to ask about difficult relationships is: How do we respond to mistreatment as a Christian? Technically, we don’t want to allow anyone the opportunity to mistreat anyone else, and we should take a stand against mistreatment of ourselves and others. But life isn’t always that clean-cut and simple, unfortunately.

Consider this woman’s situation. She had lived with her husband’s narcissism and control for all of her marriage, but before she understood what she was dealing with, she felt responsible for it and believed the lies he told her about her and his actions. He told her she didn’t deserve to be given money because she made unwise decisions and couldn’t be trusted. He told her she needed to make her own money because she wasn’t entitled to the money he made. He told her she didn’t deserve a voice in decisions because he was the head of the house. She now knows that she deserves those things as a cherished partner and hasn’t done anything that justifies his withholding of those things. She also knows that the reason he does these things is because he is insecure and needs to be in control, but she also knows that she isn’t ready to leave the marriage. So instead, she is working on changing herself while she is carefully confronting things in the relationship as she sees fit. She is learning to respond to her husband in a way that doesn’t make the situation worse. She is not focusing daily on the injustice of her situation, because as she says, “It would consume me and there isn’t anything I can do today to make him change and I choose to live in peace and sanity.”

Now you might read that and say she shouldn’t tolerate this mistreatment. I agree that she shouldn’t, but sometimes we do things for other reasons than what is ideally right. It doesn’t help to try to force solutions in situations that are unforceable and will get an outcome we aren’t ready to deal with, or create more drama without change. The timing has to be right and there will be a time that she will confront the situation with an ultimatum that will end the injustice.

I am not condoning tolerance of abuse. I am realistically saying that, in the midst of the difficult relationship, you have choices with how to respond to mistreatment in the way that is healthiest for you today, taking your current strengths, weaknesses, and real-life factors into consideration.

When you determine that you are being mistreated, you then have to determine what way is best for you to handle it. You will have to decide if you are ready to set a boundary that forces an ultimatum and could result in you leaving the relationship or some other drastic outcome. If you aren’t, you can choose to work on the following things while getting the strength to set a boundary:

• Your response to the mistreatment that doesn’t make the situation worse for you.
• The ability to see the situation truthfully and clearly.
• Your relationship with the Lord and the surrendering of your hurt to him.
• Taking care of yourself in the midst of the mistreatment and living your life.
• Your emotional and spiritual growth that will include getting strong enough to set a boundary.

It takes strength to do these things in the midst of a difficult relationship. Setting boundaries is a process. Give yourself the grace and time to be ready.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me respond to mistreatment in a way that doesn’t make the situation worse. Help me see the situation truthfully and clearly. Help me surrender the hurt to you. Help me take care of myself and treat myself right. Help me get strong enough to set a boundary.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Identify an area you are being mistreated by a spouse, child, sibling, friend, parent, boss, or business associate.
• Recognize and admit the truth about the mistreatment.
• Decide if you are ready to set a boundary.
• If not, work on yourself in the midst of the mistreatment, until you are ready.

Scripture Meditation

 
1 Peter 3:14-17

“But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. ‘Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.’ But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil” (NIV).

You aren’t required to endure mistreatment to be blessed by God, but when you are being mistreated, it shouldn’t be because you are responding wrongly to the situation and making it worse. It should be because you are trying to do what is right in response to the wrong. Taking a stand against mistreatment will often result in even more suffering and can also be considered as suffering for doing what is good or right.