During dinner tonight, my daughter had an emotional reaction to the topic we were discussing. My husband had an emotional reaction to her emotional reaction. I had an emotional reaction to both of them, because I am anxious about her emotional state and worried about how his reaction will affect her. Thus, I wanted to tell him how he was “wrong” and not handling her “right.” In other words, I wanted to do to him what he did to her.

Other people think and feel like they think and feel. There isn’t any right or wrong about feelings and there are many ways to think. From my husband’s perspective, his emotions and thoughts make sense. From my perspective mine make sense. From my daughter’s perspective, hers make sense. I wanted to tell him he was wrong, until I realized that I needed to give him the same grace and acceptance I wanted him to give her. So instead, I asked him why he reacted like he did from the standpoint of wanting to understand where he was coming from.

All of us have layers of emotions that drive our reactions to other people. The emotions are based on our past experiences, personalities, coping mechanisms, current state of being, and relationship dynamics. This is the stuff that makes close relationships more difficult and reactive than casual relationships. We have much at stake in what others do and it triggers stuff in us. We all want to tell people close to us how to think and feel, because it affects us. It is hard to detach when it feels personal, but we have to, or the emotional reactivity will sabotage our relationships.

We have to manage the anxiety in ourselves, so we can allow others close to us to be honest with us. All of us yearn to be heard and accepted. This unconditional acceptance will drive our relationships to a greater level of intimacy.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me handle my own emotions, so I can be open to other people’s feelings and thoughts without trying to tell them they are wrong.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Think about a relationship in which you are emotionally reactive (outwardly and/or inwardly.)
• Identify what the other person does that makes it difficult for you to accept what he/she is saying or feeling.
• Decide how you will handle the anxiety within yourself, so you can listen to the other person without reacting.

Scripture Meditation

 
Romans 12:15-16a

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another” (NIV).

Proverbs 20:5

“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out” (NIV).