One of the most important things you can learn about speaking your truth in love is that it isn’t about trying to convince the other person of your truth or getting the person to agree with you. It is nice to get this result, but in difficult relationships, other people are often closed to our truth, and our focus needs to shift to us simply stating our truth because we need to. Yet in order to minimize defensiveness, which is abundant in difficult relationships, we need to communicate by doing the following three things:

• Communicate your feelings, thoughts, and needs directly and clearly in as few words as possible.
• Focus more on how the person’s actions are affecting you than on judging the actions as right or wrong.
• Focus more on your difficulty dealing with the effects of the person’s actions than on the specific actions.

Consider these examples:

• Instead of saying, “You are an alcoholic and you are hurting your family. Why can’t you stop drinking, go to work, and do what you know is right?” you say, “I am struggling with your drinking. It makes me uncomfortable. I can’t be around you when you drink. I am starting to pull away from you. I am worried about you and our relationship. I don’t know how much longer I can live with this.”

• Instead of saying, “You are such a disappointment to me. Why can’t you be a better mother/father/husband/wife/son/daughter/student/provider?” you say, “I need you to be different. I am uncomfortable with __________. ”

• Instead of saying, “You are such a jerk. Can’t you see how you are hurting me? Can’t you see how rudely you talk to me and how angry you are?” you say, “I am not okay with the way you talk to me. Your anger scares me. I find myself afraid to talk to you. I won’t talk with you when you treat me that way.”

These alternative statements may seem weak compared to the first ones; however, they are not weak. They communicate a certain level of respect for the other person, yourself, and the relationship. They are more difficult to argue with because they are about you rather than the other person. They push you toward a healthier relationship in that they communicate personal responsibility for your feelings, thoughts, and needs. All of these things contribute to less defensiveness because they feel less attacking.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me keep the focus on myself when I communicate my truth, especially when the other person isn’t open to hearing truth and is often defensive.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Think of a difficult person who is usually defensive to hearing “truth.”
• Figure out how you can communicate your truth directly and clearly to this person by keeping the focus on how you are struggling with this person’s behavior.

Scripture Meditation

 
Proverbs 29:11

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (NIV).

Proverbs 25:15

“Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone” (NIV).

You can’t make a defensive person non-defensive, but you can take the responsibility to communicate your truth in a way that isn’t purposefully attacking.