I recently got this email from a woman struggling with applying acceptance in her difficult marriage:

I so want to master that tool called ACCEPTANCE and learn to effectively deal with disappointment, but it seems so difficult for me because I also don’t want to settle for less or accept the bad behavior I’ve tolerated in the past. My husband has Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), but he is also very irresponsible and it has caused significant damage in our marriage. He says it is the ADHD that makes him irresponsible, but I think it is something he should be able to control. I’m torn. I am finally beginning to set healthy boundaries and not standing for certain things, but I wonder if that makes me hypocritical because due to those boundaries, I can’t accept him for who he is.

She is struggling with a common misunderstanding about acceptance. Acceptance is about accepting the reality of the situation rather than trying to deny or question it—it is not about tolerating any and all behavior. Once you get acceptance, then you decide what to do about the situation. In her case, she needs to accept that her husband struggles with ADHD and irresponsibility, instead of questioning it and wasting energy trying to excuse or deny the truth. She can decide what she is willing and able to tolerate and how she will respond to it, because it isn’t going to completely disappear and he will continue to struggle with it at some level.

We want to understand people and offer them grace for the things that they struggle with. We don’t want to be so rigid and perfectionistic that we don’t make reasonable adjustments for imperfections— which we all have. We can offer understanding for the weaknesses people have—but a reason isn’t an excuse. People are still responsible for their actions and inactions. They are also responsible for how they respond to their weaknesses and problems. And, we are responsible for how we respond to them and for how we live our lives—including what we tolerate.
Making lists is sometimes helpful. List all the things that bother you about the situation or person and then decide which of them you can overlook or make adjustments for and which ones require you to set boundaries.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me see the truth about my life and relationships. Help me not to waste time and energy denying what is true. Give me wisdom and discernment to know how I should respond to difficult situations that arise. Help me know when to overlook things and when to set a boundary.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Identify something you are having difficulty accepting because you don’t like it or want it.
• Accept that this is the way it is.
• Make a list of all the things you don’t like about the situation or person.
• Decide which things you can overlook and which things require you to set boundaries.

Scripture Meditation

 
Proverbs 2:1-12

“My child, listen to what I say, and treasure my commands. Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. Then you will understand what it means to fear the LORD, and you will gain knowledge of God. For the LORD grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him. Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will fill you with joy. Wise choices will watch over you. Understanding will keep you safe. Wisdom will save you from evil people, from those whose words are twisted” (New Living Translation).