One of the common dynamics of being in a difficult relationship is that you want change. You want the other person to address his/her issues and the problems to be resolved. You often want change so desperately that you believe lies and empty promises which the difficult person is often all too willing to give.

It is important that you learn to recognize true repentance. “Repentance” means that the person stops and changes direction because of the awareness that what he/she has been doing isn’t working and that something different needs to be done. When someone really wants to change and is ready to change, there are certain things that you will see the person do.

Here they are:

• The person will take personal responsibility for the wrongs without excusing or blaming someone or something else.
• The person will take the initiative in healing your relationship. It won’t be you doing all the talking and pursuing.
• The person’s behavior will match the words.
• The person’s demeanor will be humble and broken.
• The person’s level of defensiveness will be significantly reduced and the person will be approachable.
• The person will have a desire to hear your truth.
• The person will have remorse for how you have been affected by the problems.
• The person will make a commitment to do whatever it takes to really change and begin doing it.
• The person will have a long-term plan that supports the changes that have to be made.
• The person will apologize when “slips” occur and old behavior surfaces. These slips should become less frequent over time.

When someone is truly repentant, you will see these things that demonstrate it. Conversely, when someone isn’t truly repentant and only saying what he/she needs to say to keep you engaged, enabling, helping, and hooked, you will see a lack of these things.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Give me discernment in figuring out whether someone is truly repentant or just saying so in order to get me to continue doing what I usually do.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• What changes do you want in a difficult relationship?
• What would you see the person do if the promise to change were really true?
• Do you see any of those things happening?

Scripture Meditation

 
Matthew 3:8

“Produce fruit in keeping with repentance” (NIV).

Acts 26:20b

“I preached that they should repent and turn to God and prove their repentance by their deeds” (NIV).