Boundaries are simply an expression of what you will or will not do in response to what someone else does or does not do. We mistakenly think that boundaries are about what the other person has to do, but we don’t have any control over what that person will do or not do. When we focus on the other person, we get sidetracked by trying to convince the person to see and do things our way by nagging, pleading, explaining, bargaining, threatening, and yelling. As a result, we lose our power.

Boundaries give you control over your life. You get to decide what is okay and not okay for you. You get to decide how you will respond to what other people do that isn’t acceptable to you. You get to take care of yourself. You get to protect your property. You get to state your truth. You get to let go of the other person’s stuff and let him/her be responsible for it. You get to choose. And you get to let go of trying to convince the other person to see things your way.

Listen to how understanding this concept changed this man’s life:

I have never spoken my truth. I have spoken what I wanted someone else to do and I can see now how that has created confusion, anger, and frustration. My biggest area right now is with my son. He’s been out of work for over a year, on unemployment, and comes to my wife and me every month for help to pay his bills. The problem is that he is only nice to us when we give him money and don’t ask questions. When we ask him about his job search or what he is doing with the money he has, he gets incredibly disrespectful and angry. I have explained why we have a right to ask, but nothing changes. I realize I’ve been talking WAY too much. I continue to give him money and tolerate the verbal abuse while trying to convince him to change. It is his responsibility to pay his bills and to figure out how to do it. It isn’t my problem or any of my business. I need to just simply state my truth and here it what I am going to say to him:

• I am no longer willing to give you money. I know you will find a way.
• I won’t be around you when you are disrespectful to me. Please leave now.

Can you see how he has regained his power and control and can now set his boundary and stick by it?

Here are some other examples of stated boundaries:

• I will not be around you when you drink. You’ll have to do that alone.
• I am not comfortable being intimate with you while you are under the influence. Let’s find another time.
• I will discontinue the conversation when you start yelling and continue it when you have calmed down.
• I will not participate in letting the children watch R-rated movies.
• I will come over once a week to help you with whatever you need, but will not come every time you call.
• I will not call for you. You need to tell him yourself.

Can you see how these boundaries don’t need to be discussed with the other person to get their approval or cooperation? They are just about you, and therefore, only need to be stated clearly and then it is up to you to follow through with the actions.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me know what my boundaries are. Help me communicate them clearly without trying to convince the other person what he/she needs to do. And, help me follow through with my boundaries consistently.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Identify a situation where you have been trying to convince someone else to change.
• Figure out what you are willing to do or not do.
• Communicate your boundary without trying to convince the other person to do anything.
• Follow through with the action consistently.

Scripture Meditation

 
Matthew 5:37

“Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (NIV).

Proverbs 10:19

“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise” (NIV).

These two verses both suggest that when we talk too much, we can get ourselves into trouble.