There are a lot of things in difficult relationships that affect what people do. Each person has their own personality, preferences, motives, goals, fears, triggers, emotions, hurts, coping style, beliefs, and needs. Those of us that have a tendency to be codependent feel that everything depends on us. We feel responsible for other people: how they react, how they feel, how they behave, and how they choose—so we try to intervene and fix things.  A comment, action, or look can trigger a reaction from one person that then triggers a reaction from another person. Things in dysfunctional relationships can easily escalate, and people react fairly predictably because there are common patterns and interactions that we engage in.

My husband and daughter recently had an argument. Unfortunately, it occurred on our way out the door to a family party. He tends to draw boundaries in anger; she sees him as unreasonable, refuses to see her part, and then withdraws from the family. I have a part in their argument because I step in and create a triangle. My part is to try to fix the problem so everything is “ok.” I do this by getting mad at him for “causing the problem” because I don’t like the way he confronts. This dynamic prevents the real problem from being dealt with. By my jumping in, I create a triangular relationship and put each of us into three roles:

• Persecutor – My husband
• Rescuer – Myself
• Victim – My daughter

When I got mad at him, I implied that he was wrong and she was right. His issue which had validity wasn’t dealt with because the focus became what he did and how he did it. I increased her stubbornness because he became the bad guy. I aligned with her and she never addressed the issue.

This is a common outcome of triangulation because when you step into the interaction between two people you prevent them from working it out between them. It is tempting, but it usually makes things worse. It allows the victim not to deal with his/her responsibility. It causes the persecutor to have resentment toward you because you make him/her the bad guy. It draws you into things that aren’t your problem. And it doesn’t work. It actually escalates the dysfunction and doesn’t allow a healthy working out of the problem between the two people who should own the problem, which means the underlying issue will come up again anyway. Commit to resist the lure of the triangle.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me to stay out of things that aren’t my problem. Help me to allow other people to work out their own relationships and issues.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Recognize when you are tempted to triangulate by jumping into a relationship problem between two people.
• Think about the dynamic that jumping in creates and how your intervention creates the three roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer.
• Purpose to not intervene.
• Don’t intervene when you are tempted to; instead, allow the other people to work out the problem on their own.

Scripture Meditation

 
Proverbs 26:17

“Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own” (NIV).