People make their own choices. They could choose something else but they don’t because they don’t want to. Yet their choices often confuse us because we wouldn’t make the choice they make, and we desperately want them to make a different choice. So in order to figure out why they are making that choice, we come up with all kinds of excuses and rationales. But rather than being confused, we should look at the choice and get the message it is sending because the person could make the “other choice” (that we want), but isn’t.

Here are some examples:When talking to her son about not drinking with his medication because it is dangerous, a mother panics when her son says he will stop taking the medication (which he needs for a medical condition). She pleads with him to keep taking the medication, thinking he doesn’t understand, not recognizing that his choice means that he values drinking over his medication. The other choice: he could stop drinking so he could take the medication.

A mother complains that she is lonely and that her life is empty. She wants her daughter to spend time with her and be involved in every aspect of her life. The daughter feels compelled to change her life to accommodate her mother’s demands. She is forgetting about the other choice: her mother could make a life of her own and not be so dependent on her, understanding that her daughter deserves a life of her own too. The message is that the mother refuses to take responsibility for her own life.

When you are asking your loved one to talk about your relationship problems, and your loved one is refusing to talk to you about them, blaming you for their inability to work on the relationship, you may feel confused and wonder what you did wrong and how you need to change, all the while ignoring the other choice: your loved one could be the one pursuing you to work on the problems, even if you aren’t doing what they need you to do. The message is that your loved one doesn’t want to work on the relationship and isn’t willing to change.

Recognizing the truth about people’s choices sets you free to make your own choices in response to theirs.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me recognize “the other choice” along with the messages my loved ones are sending me by the choices they make.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Open your eyes to the real choices people are making and allow them to communicate their message clearly.

Scripture Meditation

 
Matthew 12:34

“For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks” (NIV).

Matthew 15:18-20

“But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what make a man ‘unclean’; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him ‘unclean’” (NIV).

People’s actions reflect what they truly want.