“Shame on you!” This common parenting phrase is used to make children feel bad for their behavior, but the truth is that shame is more than that. Shame actually comes from within us and expresses what is going on with us more than the other person. We “shame” people to express what we are feeling about their behavior.

If you simply wanted to tell a person that a behavior is upsetting, all you have to say is “I don’t like what you did” and then set appropriate boundaries or consequences. Shame goes further than identifying the behavior you don’t like. It comes from deep emotions within such as anger, fear, sadness, bitterness, frustration, and despair. It seeks to hurt, shock, manipulate, pressure, and criticize to either motivate the person to change or to wound them in return for hurting you.

Here are some of the ways we shame people:

• Pass Judgment – “You are a bad _____.”
• Express Hopelessness – “You’ll never ______.” “I give up.” “You are no good.”
• Label  – “You are a ______.”
• Express Disgust – “You’re just as bad as _______.” “You make me sick.” “You are disgusting.” “How could you?”

Shame is bad because it tears down. It communicates conditional love, disapproval, judgment, contempt, and hopelessness through destructive words, a condescending tone of voice, and disapproving body language. And it actually destroys the person’s desire to improve by inferring they are worthless and disgusting—the exact opposite of what you want if you are merely confronting the behavior. That is the shame of shame.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me confront people about their behavior without shaming them. Help me remember that you confront me on my behavior without shaming me.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• When you are tempted to shame someone, stop yourself and don’t say anything until you can control your emotions and simply confront the behavior.

Scripture Meditation

 
Galatians 6:1

“If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently” (NIV).

Psalm 51:10-12

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me” (NIV).

David’s Psalm of repentance after his affair with Bathsheba recognizes God’s unconditional love. He recognizes that God could crush his spirit and cut off their relationship, but he asks for God’s restoration instead. And, he gets it.