People often feel what they call “hurt” in relationships. The implication with “hurt” is that someone did something to injure them. It is important that we learn to recognize when we are hurt and take responsibility for our feelings, as well as respond with wisdom to other people who accuse us of hurting them.

First of all, how do you know you are “hurt?”

• You want to pull away from the person.
• You want to take back the nice things you have done.
• You want to hurt the person back.
• You feel sad.
• You feel shocked and disappointed.
• You feel physical discomfort.
• You feel the relationship is damaged or can’t be the same.
• You question the prior relationship.
• You feel angry and resentful.

“Hurt” is an emotional injury. Just like a physical injury affects your body, an emotional injury affects your emotions. You have to tend to your emotions just like you would tend to an actual wound. This means you need to identify the source of the hurt before dealing with it.

Here are some sources of “hurt.”

• Someone doesn’t meet your expectations.
• Someone triggers old hurts inside of you, making you more sensitive and reactive to the comment or act.
• You are tired, angry, upset, and frustrated. In other words, you are already at an emotional low and can handle less than usual.
• Someone is rude, uncaring, sarcastic, or mean to you or you are discarded, ignored, dumped, disrespected, discounted, or abused.
• Someone made a decision that is right for him/her but disappointing to you.
• Someone didn’t appreciate what you did for them.
• Someone reacted to you in a way that you didn’t expect or want.
• Someone rejected you.

Some hurt is obviously the result of people treating you badly but other hurts come from your own reactions and expectations. Having your feelings hurt is a sign that you need to look further into your own stuff as well as the other person’s actions. In this way, you can discern whether or not you need to go to the person to talk to them about how they hurt you. It will also keep you from being resentful about things that weren’t offenses to begin with.

It also needs to be pointed out that some people use hurt manipulatively to get what they want from other people. They attempt to make people feel guilty for saying no, for not taking care of them, or for not doing what they want. Figure out whether you have truly injured the person by doing something wrong or whether you need to detach from the person’s hurt and continue to do what you know is right for you.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me recognize when I am hurt. Help me look honestly at myself to determine the source of the hurt. Help me deal with hurt in a way that doesn’t damage me or the relationship further.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Think about someone who has “hurt” you.
• Identify the source of the hurt: was it your own stuff or did the person actually do something wrong?
• Decide whether you need to make the necessary adjustments in yourself or go to the person to talk about the hurt.

Scripture Meditation

 
Proverbs 17:22

“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (NIV).

Proverbs 17:24

“A discerning man keeps wisdom in view, but a fool’s eyes wander to the ends of the earth.” (NIV)

Matthew 18:15

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault” (NIV).