Detachment is the opposite of being enmeshed. It is similar to differentiation or individuation, in which you have a separateness that allows you to be who you are in the midst of a relationship. It is the opposite of Christian codependency, in which you are so dependent on another that you are unable to feel, be, choose, think, and act independently to live your own life. In codependency, you feel overly responsible for others’ choices.

God gives each of us stewardship of our lives, meaning we have the responsibility to choose how we want to live regardless of the choices others make. Matthew 12:36 tells us that we will each give an account to God of our own life only.

People commonly detach by completely un-attaching from their loved ones, pretending they don’t care or by emotionally or physically abandoning them. In other words, they can’t detach and still engage in the relationship.

How can you detach and still stay engaged? Follow these suggestions:

• Separate emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and sometimes physically from the other person’s choices and feelings by letting them take responsibility for their own choices. Let them deal with the consequences. Don’t feel or be responsible for the other person’s stuff.
• Take responsibility for your own feelings and choices and how you respond to the person. Own your own stuff by not blaming the person for your responses.
• Step back and view the relationship as if you were a third party. Try to be objective about what is going on rather than emotionally reactive by taking everything personally.
• Maintain boundaries that protect you.
• Communicate your sincere concern for the person and continue to do things that show how much you care.

It is possible to detach from someone’s choices and still stay engaged in the relationship.

By Karla Downing
 

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me to detach from the people I care about in a way that keeps me protected but engaged in the relationship.
 

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Stay engaged in the relationship while not feeling responsible for the choices the other person is making and while taking care of yourself.

Scripture Meditation

 
Galatians 5:13-15

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (NIV).