Dysfunctional people often want what they want, regardless of how they have to get it. In order to get their way, they often resort to emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail says: “If you don’t do what I want, I will hurt you.”

There are a number of ways people threaten you to get what they want:

Withdraw from the relationship. It can be emotional or physical abandonment. This can involve them leaving you temporarily or permanently, shutting down and withholding their participation, or giving you the silent treatment. They will do this if they know you are dependent and fear abandonment.

Hurt themselves. It doesn’t have to be physical harm; it can also be them threatening not to take care of themselves, not to take care of their responsibilities, not to do what is in their best interest or to do something reckless. They do this if they know that you are desperately afraid of what they might do and heavily invested in them not doing it, and they know you don’t want to risk them following through with this threat because it is so uncomfortable for you to watch them hurt themselves.

Hurt You. They threaten to take away privileges, money, freedom, children, friends, reputation, jobs, promised things, possessions, or their approval. They may threaten to hurt you physically or emotionally. They threaten to mistreat you in ways they know bother you. They do this when they know that you value those things and won’t risk losing them.

Hurt others. They may threaten to hurt your children, your family, your friends, or your pets, either emotionally or physically, in order to get to you. This often involves someone who is abusive, especially if the action is actually followed through with. This category needs to be dealt with carefully, especially if it involves children and physical violence.

The emotional blackmailer usually doesn’t have to follow through with the threats because they know which threat to pick to get you to give in to their demands. If calling their bluff is too uncomfortable for you to risk, you will predictably give in to whatever it is that the person wants you to do or not to do. Refusing to give into the blackmail is scary and uncomfortable, but your relationship will continue to be dysfunctional until you do, and the blackmail will continue.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me recognize and resist emotional blackmail.
 

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Identify the people in your life who use emotional blackmail on you.
• Identify which threat or threats they use.
• Purpose to resist the blackmail.

Scripture Meditation

 
Proverbs 17:8

“A bribe is a charm to the one who gives it; wherever he turns, he succeeds”(NIV).