We’ve all had the experience of being told we did something to hurt another person, but we don’t believe we’ve done anything wrong. The person is upset and asks for an apology. We don’t want a breach in the relationship, so we’re in a quandary. Do we apologize to heal the relationship, or do we refuse because we weren’t wrong?

When you read articles on apologizing, you see that most authors urge you to do it. They tell you to care that you hurt the other person and to express responsibility and remorse. Whether or not you did it doesn’t matter. The focus is on the need to understand why and how the offended person was hurt, then to reestablish connection.

I have some problems with this when the person and relationship are dysfunctional. We often can’t apply advice for a healthy relationship to a dysfunctional one. Some of it can even be harmful. Difficult people can be manipulative, abusive, malicious, blaming, mean, vindictive, and duplicitous. In addition, because they have unreasonable expectations, inaccurate perceptions, major defenses, and misunderstandings about relationships, they cannot be allowed to determine whether your actions are right or wrong. If they were permitted to do that, they would have you assuming responsibility for everything.

Here are some of the tweaks you can apply when apologizing to dysfunctional people:

• Apologize if you are wrong, if it’s safe, and if it won’t be used against you.
• If the person makes accusations rather than expressing genuine feelings, refuse to acknowledge them.
• If you apologize for your part, it’s okay to mention that you also feel upset about what the other person did.
• Do not take responsibility for the other person’s part.
• Acknowledge and empathize with the person’s feelings instead of defending yourself or denying your part. For example, you can say, “I know you didn’t feel supported. I am sorry you felt that way,” instead of “You didn’t feel supported, but I didn’t cause that. You made yourself feel that way.”

Sometimes a pattern recurs and causes problems in the relationship. For example, the person may regularly say that you’re doing something you are not doing. Or the person might project their stuff onto you, manipulate you, or abuse you. If so, don’t admit guilt or responsibility. Instead, make statements such as, “That’s not true,” “I don’t agree,” “That’s your opinion,” or “No, I can’t do that.” Or don’t respond at all.

One of the common characteristics of a dysfunctional person is to take offense easily and use it to control you. You cannot change yourself to accommodate the person’s sensitivities or unhealthy expectations, or you will lose yourself in the process.

Apologize when you know it is healthy for you and the relationship. Don’t apologize when it isn’t.

Relationship Devotional Prayer

God,

I need discernment to know whether I should apologize or not and to know how I should do it with a dysfunctional person. I don’t want to contribute to the unhealthiness of the relationship.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Think about how you respond to a difficult person who asks you to apologize when you don’t think you have done something wrong.
• Review the tweaks for dysfunctional relationships and identify an alternate response for next time.

Scripture Meditation

Job 27:5–6

I will never admit you are in the right; till I die, I will not deny my integrity. I will maintain my innocence and never let go of it; my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live (NIV).

Job’s final words to his friends after all their accusations were that he would not admit to anything they accused him of, because he knew he wasn’t wrong.

1 Peter 2:16–17

Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves. Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor (NIV).