“Enabling” is when you do something that allows another person to do what is wrong or unhealthy because of your fear, love, denial, codependency, bad boundaries, or weakness. It includes covering up, lying, fixing consequences, doing for the person what they should do for themselves, making excuses, taking over responsibilities, tolerating unacceptable behavior, and denying the truth.

Enabling is harmful because it lets the person continue to do something that is not in their long-term best interest or in the long-term best interest of other people, you, or the relationship. When you enable, you get more of something rather than less; yet it is not easy to stop because the person you are enabling wants it to continue.

Here are some of the things that people do to pressure you when
you make a change:

• Threaten you with whatever they think scares you.
• Punish you by doing something they know will hurt you.
• Show anger toward you.
• Withdraw from the relationship.
• Blame you for whatever happens to them.
• Guilt you by telling you that you are hurting them, not taking care of them, and not loving them.
• Accuse you of being a bad mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, and/or Christian.
• Call your bluff by digging in their heels to see if you will back down.
• Up the ante by making everything more serious and dramatic.
• Build coalitions to get other people to put pressure on you to not do it.

These maneuvers are all manipulative with the sole purpose of getting you to continue the status quo. People being enabled know what you are doing and want you to keep doing it. They use a tremendous amount of energy to keep you from changing your behaviors so they won’t have to change theirs.

It is likely that these maneuvers have worked in the past and you have backed down. You will need to identify what the person does and why it affects you, so you can get strong enough to do the right thing even though you are enduring pressure not to. Enabling often feels like the easiest path in the short run, but it is the hardest path for all in the long run.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Help me recognize when I am enabling. Help me stop by resisting the maneuvers that are intended to make me continue to enable.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Identify how you are enabling someone to do what isn’t right.
• Identify what you need to stop doing.
• Identify how the person will react.
• Make a plan to resist the pressure maneuvers.

Scripture Meditation

 
Proverbs 26:27

“If a man digs a pit, he will fall into it; if a man rolls a stone, it will roll back on him” (NIV) — unless you enable him by preventing him from experiencing consequences.

Galatians 6:7-8

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life” (NIV).

Proverbs 19:19

“A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again” (NIV).