We want to equip our children with everything they need to handle the challenges life will bring. This is called “resilience” and includes learning problem-solving, confidence, gratitude, self-compassion, and connection to others.

We need to teach them another skill, and that is “detachment.” Everyone needs this skill, but children in dysfunctional families learn the opposite. They learn to take everything personally and feel responsible for other people.

I tell people who take my classes that if I can teach them detachment, I will set them free. When you don’t know how to detach, you are affected by everything other people do. Children need that skill too.

Here is what it is like for children before and after they learn to detach:

• They take what people say and do personally. When they detach, they don’t take their words to heart because they know it is about the other person, not about them. An impatient parent’s explosion, telling them they are stupid, is about the parent’s temper, not the child’s character. When a parent misses a game, the child knows it is the parent’s choice and not a reflection of their worth.
• They feel others’ emotions, so when people are sad, angry, anxious, or self-pitying, they feel responsible for fixing the other person’s feelings. When children detach, they know people are responsible for their own emotions. A sad mom isn’t their responsibility to fix; it is the mom’s responsibility to figure out how to make herself feel better.
• Without detachment, children take on blame when other people accuse them of things that aren’t true. But detached children don’t accept blame for things that are not theirs. They recognize that when other people don’t want to admit that their actions are wrong, they will blame someone else. When a parent says it’s the child’s fault that their sibling got in trouble, the child doesn’t believe it, because they know it isn’t.

 
How do you teach your children to detach?

1. You model detachment in your own life. You show that other people’s moods, accusations, words, and choices don’t affect you. You use your words to describe what you are doing. You say, “My friend was upset today about her problems, and I tried hard to make her feel better. I couldn’t and for a minute, I felt as if it was my fault. Then I reminded myself that I cannot make someone feel better.”

2. You apply detachment to their lives. When your child has a situation that deserves detaching, you offer an example of how to do that. For example, if the other parent is angry, you can say, “When someone is angry, I remind myself that I don’t make other people angry. Have you noticed that angry people get angry easily about lots of things?”

As you can see, you don’t even have to use the person’s name. You can talk about the situation without saying something bad about the person. If you feel conflicted about discussing the other parent (your spouse or former spouse), you say it without identifying the person specifically. You can do this at any age by adjusting it to fit your child.

This isn’t as good as ending the dysfunction, but it does decrease the impact.
 

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,
 
Help me model and apply detachment for my children to provide them with tools to help them deal with the dysfunction in their lives.
 

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Model detachment to your children (and the other people around you) by detaching in love.
• Apply detachment to the lives of your children (and the other people around you) with the counsel you provide.

Scripture Meditation

 
Deuteronomy 6:4–8 (NIV)

“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”