DARVO is an acronym that describes how dysfunctional people respond when you bring up your concerns and your feelings. You have something to say that you want them to listen to and address in a manner that makes you feel heard and understood. But they have manipulative ways of turning it around on you so you never get your issues addressed.

Here is what DARVO stands for:

Defend. Just as it sounds, “defend” means to go on the defense against you and what you shared. It is protective and allows the person to avoid addressing your concerns. They might take you down a rabbit trail to get you off the topic. Or you may get a list of reasons why what you said isn’t true. Whatever method they use, they will attempt to lead the conversation away from the issue you want to talk about.

Attack. Now the person is on the offensive. The goal is to bring you down, either aggressively or covertly. The person will say mean things about you. They’ll paint you as the bad guy. They will gaslight, malign, ridicule, and criticize you. You’ll want to defend yourself and explain your right to raise your legitimate concerns.

Reverse victim. Instead of offering you empathy for the things they did to you, the person will become the victim and make you the bad guy. They’ll want you to feel bad that you dared say those unfair and untrue things. You may even feel bad for the other person (which is a sign that you might have been DARVOed.)

Reverse Offender. You came to the person with your concerns about what they did to you. When you are DARVOed, the person won’t address them. Instead, they accuse you of doing things to them. You get a list of things to apologize for and change. You might end up apologizing and explaining.

Recognizing patterns of manipulation in your difficult relationships will give you confidence and keep you calm. You won’t feel as crazy and outmaneuvered when you can recognize the script.

When you are DARVOed, simply refuse to buy into it. Don’t go on rabbit trails. Don’t argue. Don’t defend yourself. Don’t accept blame. Don’t apologize. Don’t see the person as a victim.

Recognize the maneuver as communication of this message: “I won’t address your concerns and will do whatever I can to get you off my back.”
When you hear that message, you must decide what you will do next.
 

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,
 
Help me to recognize when someone DARVOs me so I can respond appropriately. Help me to know what to do next, since the person has clearly told me they won’t address my concerns.
 

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Who in your life uses DARVO?
• How do you usually respond?
• How will you respond, now that you can recognize the reason the person refuses to address your concerns?

Scripture Meditation

 
1 Kings 18:16-18
Ahab went to meet Elijah. When he saw Elijah, he said to him, “Is that you, you troubler of Israel?” “I have not made trouble for Israel,” Elijah replied. “But you and your father’s family have. You have abandoned the LORD’s commands and have followed the Baals (NIV).

Psalm 59:3-4
See how they lie in wait for me! Fierce men conspire against me for no offense or sin of mine, Lord. I have done no wrong, yet they are ready to attack me. Arise to help me; look on my plight! (NIV)

John 3:19-20
This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed (NIV).