Neurodiverse Marriages

Neurodiverse marriages are different than neurotypical marriages because one spouse has a brain that functions differently. This means that social, emotional, reasoning, communication, perceptions, and thinking aren’t in sync. This affects everything and creates a painful and isolating existence, especially for neurotypical spouses who are expecting their partners to share life with them in a similar way. The emotional disconnection is particularly painful.

Many people have spent decades in a marriage and been aware of the deep pain and isolation without any clue that what they were dealing with was a spouse with neurodiversity. Learning about this syndrome may be the missing piece in your search for understanding what is wrong with your marriage.

In 2013, the DSM-V combined formerly separately diagnosed Asperger’s Disorder and Autism into one category of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Many Asperger’s do not see themselves as Autistic and prefer to be labeled as Asperger’s.
Many people still use “Asperger’s” informally, even though clinicians no longer diagnose it. Some of the interviews that were done on this website’s YouTube channel use the label of asperger’s. The current term used to describe people with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and attention deficit disorder (ADHD) is “neurodivergent.” Other terminology includes “on the spectrum.”

Symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder

Difficulty in developing friendships. They may have some superficial acquaintances but not have deeper friendships due to a lack of social skills.
Inability to empathize. They often do not understand why another person is upset and hurt.
Social awkwardness. You may notice that they miss out on things in group conversations and as a result, find yourself feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed.
Narrowed interests. They often have special interests that they fixate on and fail to recognize that others don’t share their interests.
Strong adherence to a routine. This helps them manage their anxiety and reduce their stress because they feel most secure with predictability.
Literal interpretations. They tend to not understand sarcasm, analogies, indirect references, metaphors and other abstract communications and instead will interpret them literally.
Poor pragmatic skills. Their understanding of social cues and nonverbal cues such as such as body language, gestures, and facial expressions is poor to non-existent.
Abnormal language and speech patterns. Speech and phrases may sound scripted, robotic, sing/song, or monotone.
Sensory sensitivities. They may have difficulty in their filtering, organizing, receiving, and making use of sensory information to where they are over stimulated when exposed to noises that are loud, lights that are bright and/or textures or tastes that are unpleasant.
Poor motor skills. They may appear clumsy, have poor handwriting, and poor eye-hand coordination.
Weak muscle tone. They may have floppy muscles, poor posture, and slightly slurred annunciation of words.
Repetitive motor mannerisms. They may have repetitive and self-stimulating body movements such as finger tapping, word/phrase repetitions, mouth smacking sounds, or tics.
Personal space irregularities. They are challenged in respecting and understanding another person’s need for personal space; yet can be intolerant about their own personal space being infringed upon.
Lack of reciprocity. There is an unawareness of what their loved one thinks or feels, even when told, because they tend to only see their point of view.

Deceptive charm. They can wear a mask of charm in front of others and can even lie to save face.
Trouble with criticism. Even constructive criticism may be poorly received. They may respond to it with meltdowns, shutdowns, stonewalling, and gaslighting.
Sexual dysfunctions. Some can be hypersexual with a strong interest in pornography while others can be asexual or show little interest in sexual intercourse.
Video game addiction. Video games are a safe non-judgmental place to decompress from their outside world of stress and anxiety which makes them at increased risk for addiction to them.

Other Comorbid Diagnoses with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Anxiety Disorders
Obsessive Compulsive Disorders
Depression
Mood Disorders
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
Sleep Disorders
Gastrointestinal Disorders

Ways to Cope With a Neurodivergent Spouse With ASD

Seek God first. Focus on your relationship with the Lord and with finding fellowship for yourself regardless of whether your spouse does.
Care for yourself. Make time for taking care of your needs and making a fulfilling life for yourself. Prioritize taking care of your physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and relational needs.
Use healthy detachment. Stop taking your spouse’s behavior personal. Stop expecting more from your spouse than they can deliver. Stop beating yourself up for how you feel.
Educate yourself about ASD through books and websites.
Find support groups for emotional support. You need someone trustworthy with whom to share and pray for you.
Seek therapy from someone who understands ASD and neurodiversity to learn strategies to help you cope.
Set boundaries when it is something you cannot tolerate and accept.